The first part of this article was written by Dr. Deb Ayer, a colleague of mine who practices in New Hampshire.
We all have agreements we’ve made with ourselves. Some are visible. We can name them. We know we’re choosing them. We can decide whether they still fit. But then there are the invisible agreements. The ones we made somewhere along the way, without realizing we were making them:
I have to keep everyone happy. I can’t disappoint people. This is just who I am. I have to do it this way. My needs come last.
When an agreement remains invisible, it can feel as though there are no other choices. But the moment we bring it into awareness, something shifts. We can see the agreement. We can question it. We can decide whether we still want to live by it. And suddenly, new options become available.
That is the power of making the invisible visible. Not so we can judge the choices we’ve made, but so we can begin choosing with greater awareness, freedom, and intention. Which of your invisible agreements might be ready to be brought into the light?
During the initial phase of care at Happy Spine, as you begin to shift out of Survival Mode, you can sometimes start to bring these invisible agreements into the light. A recent visit with Karen is a good example.
Karen initially came in for care because she was experiencing neck pain, as well as hip and leg pain. She was also living with a heightened stress response—anxiety and dysregulation were part of her daily experience.
As she progressed through care, her pain began to lessen. She started to experience more ease in her body: less stress, less anxiety, and less dysregulation. With that increased sense of ease, she began to notice something she hadn’t been aware of before: the performative tension she carried with her all the time. This tension was connected to an invisible agreement she had made somewhere along the way:
I need to anticipate other people’s expectations so that I can be loved and accepted.
In other words, her behaviours and thoughts weren’t always coming from what she wanted or felt. Instead, they were shaped by what she believed others expected of her. Karen is now practicing feeling herself more often and noticing when she slips back into that old pattern.
When she feels herself tensing up in an old and familiar way, she pauses. She adjusts her posture, releases unnecessary tension, and changes her breathing. In doing so, she begins to shift her experience in the moment. It’s actually quite exciting!
It’s as if she’s getting to know herself better—and, little by little, becoming more comfortable being her true self. Sometimes, healing isn’t only about changing what hurts. Sometimes, it’s about becoming aware of the agreements we’ve been living by—and discovering that we have the freedom to choose differently.